We’ve all snuck a peek at the local crime blotter—you know, the list of misdemeanors (and sometimes worse) tucked away in your newspaper. Admit it, you read them.
Now you can peer into the fractious, nasty and fascinating underside of Marketing by reading The Marketing Crime Log, a collection of malfeasance, negligence and other assorted skullduggery performed by an assortment of corporate climbers, scofflaws and minor miscreants in The Marketing Department.
Marketing SVP Vandalizes PowerPoint Beyond Recognition
September 23rd, 9 am, outside senior VP’s office.
The alleged perpetrator, Nancy B., senior vice president of marketing, was accused of making an unconscionable number of subjective and nit-picky changes to an inconsequential PowerPoint presentation.
Transgressions included increasing headline font size by 1 point, repeated substitution of synonyms and buzzwords (i.e. replacing “increased awareness” with “enhanced brand perception,”) and changing animation settings from “fade” to “dissolve.”
The victim, Tim K., finally objected when the alleged offender requested that a generic stock photograph of business people around a conference table be replaced with a different generic stock photograph of business people around a conference table.
Attempt to Add Fifth “P” to Four “P”s of Marketing Foiled
September 1st, approximately 4:45 pm, at annual “Thought Leadership Summit,” Red Roof Inn, Williamsburg, VA.
Near the conclusion of an otherwise uneventful gathering of a group of marketing consultants (“Thought Leadership Summit,”), the suspect, Rob B., showed a slide that proposed adding a fifth “P” to the venerable “4 P’s of Marketing.”
The suggested addition, “Pray,” was hooted down by the other attendees. The suspect was brusquely escorted from the room by security, after which he self-published a book titled “The Newest Marketing P.”
Malicious, Ill-Conceived Social Media Campaign Destroys Holiday Weekend.
September 3rd, sometime between 4:00 and 4:30 pm, 7th floor kitchen.
The alleged offender, a male Senior Director, Craig L., was accused of hurling a large, ill-defined and demoralizing assignment in the vicinity of the victim, Ron W., a marketing intern.
The victim was required to develop a social media marketing campaign for the company’s poorest performing product by the day after the Labor Day holiday. Campaign goals included “increased word of mouth,” “enhanced buzz,” and “5X ROI.”
This unexpected and unprovoked assignment caused the victim to work through the holiday weekend, resulting in missed cocktails and miscellaneous frivolity at his group house in Dewey Beach.
Unanticipated Paradigm Shift Injures VP
September 13, sometime between 8:30 and 9:00 am, hallway outside Board Room.
Susan M., a marketing VP in her mid-thirties, was blindsided by a gigantic “Paradigm Shift” that unexpectedly shot out of the Board Room. The victim suffered multiple contusions to her ego and a slightly lacerated reputation.
Habeas Latte: Botched Starbucks Order Disrupts Marketing Status Meeting
September 28th, 11 am, outside CMO’s office.
The accused, Mary A., a VP focused on the government market, was dressed down by the Chief Marketing Officer, Kevin I., for allegedly getting a Starbucks order wrong before a major marketing status meeting.
The alleged offender reiterated that she had in fact correctly ordered the beverage in question: a triple, venti, sugar free vanilla, no-foam, 3 Equal, soy latte, served in a double-cup plus a sleeve.
As evidence of the transgression, the CMO sent a specimen of the beverage to a lab. The subsequent analysis revealed the actual drink to be a venti, no-whip mocha with three Splendas.
The accused was last seen in the HR exit interview room reading over a list of COBRA benefits.
