Both of these photos portray out-of-touch, predictably self-unaware antagonists with crazy ideas. One is Newt Gingrich from his days as a professor at the University of West Georgia. The other is Dwight Schrute of NBC’s “The Office.” Can you tell which is which?
From the Wall Street Journal, December 13, 2011:
On Tuesday, the Federal Communications Commission unanimously approved rules that will require cable operators and TV stations to quiet louder-than-normal TV commercials.
“This is an issue people care about. My wife has wondered for years when we were going to do something about this,” said FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski during a meeting Tuesday.
Washington, DC – December 13, 2011 As an excerpt from today’s Wall Street Journal indicates, the U.S. people may not know who’s really pulling the strings at the Federal Communications Commission, the Federal agency that regulates our communications networks, content and devices. In this exclusive report, Bobservations has obtained the secret “honey-do” policy list that FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski received from his wife, Rachel Goslins, upon his appointment in June 2009.
Text version below:
Honey-Do Policy Agenda
From the Desk of Rachel Goslins, Wife of FCC Chairman
June 1, 2009
Sweetie,
Congrats, we are so proud of you! Here are just some agenda items to “think” about when you have a chance. No pressure–just some things to consider as you’re settling in!
Love,
Your little policy wonk!
Bob London is President of London, Ink, a full-service marketing and communications consulting firm in the Washington, DC area. He serves as a Virtual VP of Marketing for businesses that need an injection of senior-level marketing and communications strategy, planning and execution. Learn more at www.londonink.com.
We’ve all snuck a peek at the local crime blotter—you know, the list of misdemeanors (and sometimes worse) tucked away in your newspaper. Admit it, you read them.
Now you can peer into the fractious, nasty and fascinating underside of Marketing by reading The Marketing Crime Log, a collection of malfeasance, negligence and other assorted skullduggery performed by an assortment of corporate climbers, scofflaws and minor miscreants in The Marketing Department.
Marketing SVP Vandalizes PowerPoint Beyond Recognition
September 23rd, 9 am, outside senior VP’s office.
The alleged perpetrator, Nancy B., senior vice president of marketing, was accused of making an unconscionable number of subjective and nit-picky changes to an inconsequential PowerPoint presentation.
Transgressions included increasing headline font size by 1 point, repeated substitution of synonyms and buzzwords (i.e. replacing “increased awareness” with “enhanced brand perception,”) and changing animation settings from “fade” to “dissolve.”
The victim, Tim K., finally objected when the alleged offender requested that a generic stock photograph of business people around a conference table be replaced with a different generic stock photograph of business people around a conference table.
Attempt to Add Fifth “P” to Four “P”s of Marketing Foiled
September 1st, approximately 4:45 pm, at annual “Thought Leadership Summit,” Red Roof Inn, Williamsburg, VA.
Near the conclusion of an otherwise uneventful gathering of a group of marketing consultants (“Thought Leadership Summit,”), the suspect, Rob B., showed a slide that proposed adding a fifth “P” to the venerable “4 P’s of Marketing.”
The suggested addition, “Pray,” was hooted down by the other attendees. The suspect was brusquely escorted from the room by security, after which he self-published a book titled “The Newest Marketing P.”
Malicious, Ill-Conceived Social Media Campaign Destroys Holiday Weekend.
September 3rd, sometime between 4:00 and 4:30 pm, 7th floor kitchen.
The alleged offender, a male Senior Director, Craig L., was accused of hurling a large, ill-defined and demoralizing assignment in the vicinity of the victim, Ron W., a marketing intern.
The victim was required to develop a social media marketing campaign for the company’s poorest performing product by the day after the Labor Day holiday. Campaign goals included “increased word of mouth,” “enhanced buzz,” and “5X ROI.”
This unexpected and unprovoked assignment caused the victim to work through the holiday weekend, resulting in missed cocktails and miscellaneous frivolity at his group house in Dewey Beach.
Unanticipated Paradigm Shift Injures VP
September 13, sometime between 8:30 and 9:00 am, hallway outside Board Room.
Susan M., a marketing VP in her mid-thirties, was blindsided by a gigantic “Paradigm Shift” that unexpectedly shot out of the Board Room. The victim suffered multiple contusions to her ego and a slightly lacerated reputation.
Habeas Latte: Botched Starbucks Order Disrupts Marketing Status Meeting
September 28th, 11 am, outside CMO’s office.
The accused, Mary A., a VP focused on the government market, was dressed down by the Chief Marketing Officer, Kevin I., for allegedly getting a Starbucks order wrong before a major marketing status meeting.
The alleged offender reiterated that she had in fact correctly ordered the beverage in question: a triple, venti, sugar free vanilla, no-foam, 3 Equal, soy latte, served in a double-cup plus a sleeve.
As evidence of the transgression, the CMO sent a specimen of the beverage to a lab. The subsequent analysis revealed the actual drink to be a venti, no-whip mocha with three Splendas.
The accused was last seen in the HR exit interview room reading over a list of COBRA benefits.
Epilogue: All of the accused were found guilty and sentenced to attend five consecutive two-hour webinars on best practices in search engine optimization, followed by a nine-hour brainstorming session where “there are no bad ideas.”
Bob London is President of London, Ink, a full-service marketing and communications consulting firm in the Washington, DC area. He serves as a Virtual VP of Marketing for businesses that need an injection of senior-level marketing and communications strategy, planning and execution. Learn more at www.londonink.com.
Well, I founded my own business, carefully and methodically built it over the years, focused on every detail and got every aspect of the operation just the way I wanted it. Then a management consultant tells me I have to “let go a bit” and bring in a partner–someone with a “complementary skill set” who “brings balance to the team.”
Perhaps I’m off base, but this last part I interpret as “someone who can compensate for my weaknesses.” This presents an immediate problem in that I only have one glaring weakness that I know of: I lack the introspection and self-awareness to know whether I have any other weaknesses.
(Not the right spirit in which to enter a partnership, you say? Well, that’s why they call it a “founder,” because I found the idea, found the capital, founded the business and, you know…finder’s keepers.)
But, in the end, I have to respect my consultant’s input, if for no other reason than to justify the egregious hourly rate I am paying him. Plus, it can’t hurt to cast a few lines in the water to see what types of potential business partners are out there.
Now, where does one find a partner? Well, what do you know, there’s an online service just for this purpose: www.b-Harmony.biz—I guess the “b” is for “business.” Says it’s like an online dating site but for finding that perfect business partner.
Let’s see, I can browse all these potential business partner listings for free. OK, here’s one:
Username: Pursuit-of-Busyness: I’m comfortable enough in my own skin to say that I don’t believe in work/life balance. Do you? I enjoy long walks across the sales floor, reviewing key performance indicators at sunset and brainstorming sessions over flat Diet Coke. Pet peeves: Missed earnings targets and nosy board members.
OK, that one’s not for me—just a bit too…intense. Let’s try another:
Username: Font-anella: I love PowerPoint! OK, I’m addicted to it…OK, I’ve started dreaming in PowerPoint. I can help you energize ANY presentation, no matter how dull and un-substantive. Plus, I have an encyclopedic knowledge of which fonts work best for every audience’s demographic makeup. Contact me now for a free demo!
Nope, not enough breadth of experience for the job. I’ll look at one more.
Username: Cultur-iffic: My dream business relationship? You and I will co-chair weekly roundtables to get input from all employees…everyone will have an equal say in every decision. Part of my philosophy is that crying in meetings is not only OK—I encourage it! In fact, if someone begins crying, I physically block the door so they can’t run to the restroom. Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your career!
Please…no more…this is painful. This can’t be the best way to find the right business partner. Maybe I need a new management consultant.
Bob London is President of London, Ink, a full-service marketing and communications consulting firm in the Washington, DC area. He serves as a Virtual VP of Marketing for businesses that need an injection of senior-level marketing and communications strategy, planning and execution. Learn more at www.londonink.com.
Today’s Groupon: 50% off of 2012 Penn State Tuition 
To: All Employees:
From: The Compliance Team
Subject: New Ethics and Compliance Policy
It is critical that we strive to build a corporate culture that is characterized by good, goodness, wellness, honesty, respect, cleanliness, honor and nobility, as well as straight shooting, true blue-ness, square dealing and other nouns.
Therefore, effective immediately, we are implementing a new ethics, conduct and compliance policy across all departments. This new policy was carefully crafted by our management team and board of directors–with input from a group of incarcerated former CEOs. (This is similar to hiring a former computer hacker to help you secure your corporate network.)
Because the new ethics, conduct and compliance policy is extremely clear and needs no further explanations, there are no accompanying FAQs, and there will be no all hands meeting to discuss it. The following are some key excerpts. (Note: The full text has been posted on the company intranet that we decommissioned last May.)
We want you to know about several other important steps we have taken to demonstrate our corporate commitment to ethical and legal behavior.
First, to encourage compliance by all employees, we have set up an employee hotline that is fully staffed “1 x 1“ (1 hour a day, 1 day per week), by which any employee can report suspected violations of the policy. All submissions to the hotline will be stored in a secure, climate-controlled shed in a lawless, war-torn country.
Lastly, to ensure you fully understand our new ethics, conduct and compliance policy, there will be an online test administered at 5 pm today. (Due to the late notice, we have pre-populated all answer fields with the correct answers, so all you have to do is enter your name and click “SUBMIT.”)
Thank you for your time.
The Compliance Team
Bob London is President of London, Ink, a full-service marketing and communications consulting firm in the Washington, DC area. He serves as a Virtual VP of Marketing for businesses that need an injection of senior-level marketing and communications strategy, planning and execution. Learn more at www.londonink.com.
Hi, everyone.
Does anyone know why a fat (1000 pages) book with a yellow cover and yellow pages inside lands on my driveway every year? The book contains a messy agglomeration of lists and ads that don’t really tell me anything. And it looks awfully expensive to produce. Why does this book with the yellow cover and yellow pages keep coming? What purpose does it serve?
Thanks!
Bob
This email was sent 3 days ago, but you are just receiving it now because it was sent from my BlackBerry.
HubSpot’s Brian Halligan gives marketers a good-natured slap in the face
By Bob London, President of London, Ink
Brian Halligan is CEO of HubSpot, and he has biz cred. He’s one of the current “it guys” of the start-up world, and it’s hard to ignore his pitch after you hear how his company is crushing it.
HubSpot, an online software company that “gives (businesses) all the tools you need to make marketing that people will actually love,” has seen revenues grow more than 6,000% since 2007. HubSpot is the second fastest growing software company on the widely admired Inc. 500 list. The company has raised money from, among others, Google Ventures and Salesforce.com.
Last night, while in town to attend the Inc. 500 gala, Halligan spoke at an event sponsored by the Technology Marketing Alliance (on whose board I sit) and FounderCorps at the Deloitte Executive Briefing Center in Tysons Corner, Virginia. The event was conceived by ZoomSafer CEO Matt Howard, a master connector who brought together TMA, Halligan and FounderCorps.
Halligan raved about the future of marketing, and he is a stitch: at one point he bent over and mimed the act of shoveling in order to demonstrate how old school marketers (including most of the audience) are just dumping their freshly minted VC investments into a furnace—essentially renting rather than owning their own marketing assets.
What marketers should focus on, according to Halligan, is getting found. How do you get found? Here’s his prescription:
Stephanie Wonderlick of SpeakerBox PR, which put together the event, encapsulated Halligan’s points in this blog post.
Woven into almost every part of his pitch is that the era of money-wasting marketing dinosaurs is over. Marketers need to stop using the traditional marketing playbook, which includes buying lists, spamming them, cold calling your brains out and going to tradeshows.
(By the way, Halligan told us that HubSpot just spent $700,000 to sponsor Salesforce.com’s DreamForce event and that if the ROI doesn’t prove its value they will not do that again.)
In general terms, Halligan is spot on. The typical marketing approach needs to be reinvented. His pitch is reminiscent of the seminal 2008 New Yorker article by Ken Auletta, which chronicled the meeting between Google’s co-founders and Mel Karmazin, an old-line broadcast ad sales guy who was then CEO of Viacom. Here’s part of their exchange:
“You buy a commercial on the Super Bowl, you’re going to pay two and a half million dollars for the spot,” Karmazin told the Google team. “I have no idea if it’s going to work. You pay your money, you take your chances.” To turn this lucrative system over to a mechanized auction posed a serious threat. “I want a salesperson in the process, taking that buyer out for drinks, getting an order he shouldn’t have gotten.”
(Larry) Page and (Sergey) Brin thought Karmazin’s method manipulated emotions and cheated advertisers. Just as egregious, it wasn’t measurable and was therefore inefficient. They were convinced that they could engineer a better system.
Karmazin looked at his Google hosts and proclaimed, only half in jest, “You’re f@%ing with the magic!”
So Halligan and HubSpot are clearly on to something big and game-changing. The cringes and nervous laughs from last night’s audience indicates the type of old vs. new tension that usually precedes a tectonic shift.
But his evangelistic fervor seemed to suggest that the marketing dinosaurs who are doing it all wrong today have only a few short moments left on earth. They need to evolve now. Today. Yesterday. Run out and re-staff your marketing departments with fresh-faced, recently graduated digital natives who shun email, hate rules and love Wilco. Turn them loose on the web and don’t edit them too much, if at all. Stop wasting money on trying to find your audience; let them find you.
This is the right idea, and hopefully the companies that are buying (actually renting) HubSpot’s software will adopt Halligan’s Inbound Marketing strategies to make the software live up to its potential. Then the world can see proof that the vision is taking place now—not in ten years.
But there is the question of timing. How quickly will or should the marketing world evolve. It is already unrecognizable from just five or certainly 15 years ago. How soon and how fully will the HubSpot view of the world take hold?
As the event ended, the over-riding feeling I was left with was one of feeling refreshed. Marketers should appreciate Halligan’s good-natured slap in the face. To dismiss his point is to risk becoming extinct—if not next year then perhaps the year after.
Bob London is President of London, Ink, a marketing and communications consulting firm based in the Washington, DC area. He can be reached at bob@londonink.com. His business humor writing, Bobservations, can be seen at www.bob-servations.com and is now a monthly column in SmartCEO DC magazine (www.smartceo.com).
From the Bobservations archives, circa 2005. Holds up pretty well…
From the Wall Street Journal, February 24, 2005: Strollers with Dad Appeal
“Anything involving wheels is bound eventually to attract the attention of the male of the species. Now, that most rudimentary — even feminine — of vehicles, the baby stroller, is beginning to capture the imagination of men in a big way. A generation of strollers with sophisticated engineering, sleek designs and un-nursery-like colors (from black to “racing yellow”) has emerged, allowing dads to compare notes about wheel suspension and off-road handling with a reverence once reserved for expensive sports cars.”
In response to escalating demand for strollers that meet the emotional, logistical and rational needs of today’s man–in all his glorious variations, Manly Strollers is pleased to announce its Spring 2006 product lineup:
Definitely the “beast-in-class,” this head-turner makes Dad feel like he’s just had a triple-venti shot of testosterone. High ground clearance front end features PoodleCatcher to clear the way of annoying critters, trash and slow-moving toddlers.
Attorneys are dads too. You don’t have much time to spend with your kids (understandable since you’re securing their financial future), so this model makes jaunts as productive and memorable as possible. Featuring burled walnut side panels and BriefMaster, a locking extra-wide, side-car filing system for your most critical documents.
Don’t just stroll, grind. Padded heavy-resistance grips automatically measure heart rate and Body Mass Index. Optional stairclimber attachment converts your energy into propulsion.
Don’t worry single dads, we haven’t forgotten you. A gold Playboy bunny medallion sets off this chick-magnet. Plus there are three vanity mirrors to make sure your bangs are covering your hairplugs. Matches sets of dad/kid fuzzy dice for show and play! Order now and get a free copy of “How to Get Any Chick to Dig You.”
The other kids will literally drool over your gold pacifier hood ornament, and jealous player-wannabes will love the contrasting fender flares and other ground effects. Hydraulic lifts give this ride some bounce. Upgrade with your choice of three Rims4Kids 20″ chrome rims.
Camoflage fabric makes this baby stand out in a crowd but blend in in the bush. Features MyFirstGunRack and 360 degree turret for wide coverage. Converts into a deluxe tree stand so it’s still useful after the kids grow up.
Wi-Fi-enabled, and with a 200 Gig hard drive and LCD monitor, you will never miss another email, video chat or blog posting with this techno-marvel. Buy now and get a 5% discount towards the CyberPatroller 3.0 upgrade coming next month.
A pull-out workbench, complete with heavy-duty vise, makes this the ultimate productivity vehicle. Comes with a tool rack and tool set plus a portable generator for your power and compressor tools.
Made of 100% recycled, reusable materials, this model features solar powered panels that heat baby bottles while you stroll. Front-end wood-chipper attachment converts twigs and leaves into mulch for your yard.
This nifty model features dual handles for side-by-side pushing. Comes with four beautiful slipcovers so you can adjust your style to meet your mood. Also comes with an indispensible laminated card with snappy comebacks to deflect snide comments from passing homophobes.
Make sure you’re the first dad across the finish line whether you’re crossing those mean suburban streets or the marbled corridors of your local upscale mall. Features that classic low-slung Ferrari styling and racing tuned suspension.
You’ve worked hard for your new young trophy wife, and this motorized luxury model is another reward. Have you had kids with more than one wife? No problem. This stroller comes with three interchangeable interiors when you’re toting kids from your first and second wife–and their kids if they have them. Self-propelled automatic drivetrain reduces wear and tear on your aging legs.
When indispensability is your hallmark, this is a must-have stroller. A four-line wireless phone system is the highlight of this power-broker’s dream come true. A Blackberry attached to a 21″ monitor means your hostile takeovers won’t skip a beat while you squeeze in some quality time with the little tax deduction. Optional front windscreen to prevent flyaway hair.
Bob London is President of London, Ink, a marketing and communications consulting firm based in the Washington, DC area. He can be reached at bob@londonink.com. His business humor writing, Bobservations, can be seen at www.bob-servations.com and is now a monthly column in SmartCEO DC magazine (www.smartceo.com).
