If you didn’t read about it in a recent Wall Street Journal article, Chrysler is:
…working on a plan to make the soccer-mom minivan more macho, turning it into something even dad wouldn’t mind driving. Chrysler is calling it the “man van”—a special version of its Dodge Grand Caravan—and it is expected to appear at dealerships and be available for orders within the next few months, according to several auto dealers briefed on the matter.
What you didn’t read about are the options that are either still on Chrysler’s drawing board or that have been rejected–not by focus groups in which they were roundly praised–but by Chrysler’s internal Political Correctness Task Force. Bobservations has received a copy of these alternately inspired/dubious features:
- Placebo Remote Control: Doesn’t do anything, but just feels good in a man’s hands.
- Cone of Silence: Stifles unwanted small talk and chitchat from wives and other females.
- Built-in Seat Back Waxer: Ride shirtless and the specially equipped driver’s seat will pluck your back while you drive.
- GPS Override/Scrambler: Based on the Madison Avenue/female-driven myth that men don’t think they need directions.
- Headrest Beer Funnel (with optional Cooler): Featuring lightning quick hose retraction in case you’re pulled over.
- Backseat Weber Grill with Voice Activated Stoking: Feed the gang or just yourself on the go or at the tailgate party.
- Fold-Out Rear Gate Poker Table with ATM: Perfect for all night gaming while on the move.
- Pull-Out Viagra Dispenser: Discreetly get your dosage on the way home when you think you might get lucky.
- Man Boob Stabilizer: Elastic strap wraps across your chest to keep man boobs from jiggling when you hit potholes.
- Front, Rear and Rooftop Spoilers: They’re non-functional but look bad-ass.
- Porn: No explanation needed.
While the name of this male-oriented minivan has not yet been finalized, Bobservations has learned that monikers under consideration include:
- Chrysler Machismo
- The MascuLiner
- The Gruff
- Chrysler TestosterVan
- The Holmes
- Chrysler ViriliTrak
- The Chrysler XL (Extra Long)