Want to sponsor my new patio? (A creative way to subsidize home projects during a recession.)

First let me just say that since we are in an economic downturn/recession/bust/depression, money-saving or cash-raising ideas that before may have seemed tacky or ill-conceived now deserve another look.  That’s why I decided to try and raise money for an expensive home improvement–my new flagstone patio—by selling something I call Brick Sponsorships.

Here’s how I got the idea: Just before breaking ground on our new flagstone patio my family and I were at a local park when something I saw immediately struck me as an innovative albeit potentially controversial way to save some coin. The park’s developer had taken contributions from local families and businesses who in turn got, as a permanent, tangible representation of their gift: a brick engraved with their names.

These bricks, hundreds of them, formed the border around the play area and sent an overall message of community involvement and certainly gave the donors a nice warm feeling not to mention another way to lower their Adjusted Gross Incomes.

But at their essence the sponsored bricks helped the developers defray the cost of the park by a few thousand dollars.

Could this same approach be applied to private, residential projects such as my new patio? For the answer, let’s review an excerpt from a conversation with my neighbor Mac regarding the possibility of becoming a Charter Brick Sponsor for my patio:

Me: Mac, have I told you about a great new opportunity?

Mac: What’s that, Bob?

Me: Well, a limited number of our friends, neighbors and family have a special, once in a lifetime chance to see their legacies permanently and elegantly enshrined in a highly visible area while also helping beautify the neighborhood!

Mac: (Suspiciously.) Tell me more, Bob.

Me: Well, you know that Monica and I are planning a new flagstone patio out front, right?

Mac: Right.

Me: And you know how many people come by the house in a given month, from our friends and family, their kids, our kids’ friends, neighbors, my parents, Monica’s folks, her book club, the poker gang, the FedEx guy and too many door-to-door solicitors to count?

Mac: Yes…

Me: Well, you and a select number of other individuals have a unique chance to have a beautiful, high–quality, U.S.-made brick with your name and message placed around the edge of our patio!

Mac: Really!

Me: Just think of how many people will see your name! Mac, this is the most unique way I’ve ever found to get your name out there in a high profile, quality fashion without the high costs usually associated with other marketing programs.

Mac: Yeah!

Me: You know the Greene’s a block over?

Mac: That new family from Columbus?

Me: Right! They’re in for three bricks! One for themselves, one for their kids and one from his parents in honor of their new house!

Mac: Is that so?

Me: They’re absolutely certain that their investment in these permanent, high quality pavers will result in more rapid awareness and acceptance in the neighborhood!

Mac: Bob, this sounds…expensive.

Me: Mac, you’d be surprised how affordable a brick sponsorship can be. But first let me tell you about our sponsorship levels:

Our most affordable package is Terra Cotta, which includes your name and message on one brick, plus a full color photo of your brick that you can proudly display in your home. This picture can easily increase your reach by 30% – 50% depending on the traffic through your home and specific room placement!

Our next option is Grande Terra Cotta, which gives you three bricks for the price of two. Think of what you can do with three bricks, Mac! You can honor different family members, resell this exclusive opportunity to your parents at a price you determine, or use two or even three bricks together to display an even longer message! Of course this options comes with a photo as well, in beautiful panoramic mode!

Our highest value option–and quickly becoming our most popular, is the Founder’s Club, which gives you the unbelievably distinctive opportunity to engrave your name and message directly onto a 2 foot square piece of flagstone! You can select either a perimeter slab or one towards the center of the patio, to maximize visibility. Which options sounds best to you, Mac?

Mac: Bob, I don’t know how I’d ever choose.

Me: Well, before you choose, there’s one more thing: If you order today I can guarantee your brick will be in place by the holidays–which guarantees an extra 30% viewership by virtue of the increased Christmas, Hannukah and New Year’s foot traffic on our patio!

So, which options sounds as though it will best suit your needs, Mac?

Mac: Wow. I just have one question, Bob.

Me: Shoot!

Mac: Have you taken your meds yet today?

Why Can’t The Ads on Satellite Radio Be Profane? (Warning: Contains implicit profanity)

Advertisers should be drooling over potential for uncensored radio spots on XM/Sirius.

Advertising agencies are running out of space on the old creative envelope in their constant quest to be “breakthrough” and “fresh.” After all, how many different ways are there to do “doctor recommended” aspirin spots and sophomoric beer commercials? (Doesn’t it seem as though every creative director really wants to write sitcoms or screenplays anyway?)

So the emergence of unregulated satellite radio should have–but for some reason hasn’t yet–opened up a whole new vein of creative options. Hey, advertising is about emotion, and what better way to express emotion about some otherwise boring, non-differentiated consumer packaged good, bucket of chicken or American-made vehicle than a string of profanity.

Imagine those great OnStar spots taking on a whole new sense of urgency with the help of a few well-placed curses:

Operator: OnStar emergency, how can I help you?

Man: Oh, god, she’s in labor, my god, I don’t know what to do.

Operator: OK, sir, let me just confirm your location.

Woman’s Voice in Background: F@@@@@@@@@@ck!! It hurts like a son-of-a-b11111tch!!

Man: Jesus, can’t you just send someone?

Operator: OK, sir I have you at the intersection of route 118 and 28 in Clarksburg, is that correct?

Man (To Wife): Honey just relax we’ll get some help.

Man (To operator): Yes, can you just please have them get their a$$es over here?

Operator: Yes, sir, just a minute.

Operator (to Emergency Dispatcher): Hi, this is OnStar, we have a man on the line saying that his wife is in labor in the car.

Dispatcher: OK, we’ll be right there.

Operator (to Man): OK, sir I’ve spoken to emergency services and they should be there shortly.

Woman’s Voice in Background: Holy sh@#!$%^&*t, where the f^%k are they already?

Man to Operator: Just tell them to f^cking hurry.

Operator: Yes sir. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Man (sarcastically): Oh, yeah, I’d like to open up a home equity line of credit.

Operator: I’m sorry, we don’t provide that type of service.

Man: No sh#t, sherlock, just get someone the f^ck over here now!!

Operator: Thank you for using OnStar…f^%king a$$h*le.

Announcer: OnStar. Just when you think you’re sh^t out of luck.

And…think about the amazing possibilities for profane or politically insensitive–but motivating–taglines for ads on satellite radio:

  • KFC: For chicken that’s so f$%*-ing good you’ll think you’ve died and gone to heaven.
  • General Motors: Buy our boring as f*ck cars so we can afford our ri-god-d@mn-diculous health care costs forced on us by those union @$$holes.
  • Geico: Remember, just one accident and we’ll boot your a$$es right out.
  • McDonalds: If you’re going to feed your kids unhealthy food it might as well come with a cute f%#cking toy.
  • Lego: Tell your parents to buy Legos, or we’ll put a scary monster under your bed, you little sh#t.
  • Exxon: Yeah, we’d like to see you try to cut down on gas, you SUV-driving sh*t-heads.
  • Anheuser-Busch: Your parents drank and drove and lived to tell about it, so don’t let them pull any of that sanctimonious, guilt-inducing sh#t on you about designated drivers.

Lower ROI from bribery initiatives sends HP in search of new biz dev strategies

by Bob London

April 21, Palo Alto, CA–Hewlett Packard, one of the world’s largest technology firms, has seen a notable drop in the cost-effectiveness of bribes to government officials, according to internal documents, leading the company to seek new business development strategies in its European and Asian markets. Most recently, the Wall Street Journal reported that “German prosecutors are investigating whether H-P executives paid €8 million ($10.9 million) in bribes to win a €35 million ($46.9 million) Russian contract”–a return on bribe (ROB) of just 4X–well below the historical average of 10X.

“It is unconscionable that we have to pay €8 million in bribes to get a piddly €35 million contract, and worse, it certainly doesn’t scale,” said an HP executive in Germany who asked not to be named due to the ongoig investigation. “But we’ve seen this cycle before–bribes go up due to greed, poor economic conditions or whatever, and you have to decide when to change your business development strategy.”

According the source, other strategies under consideration at HP include developing more innovative pricing models, redirecting bribery budgets into product research and development, cold calling and hookers.

NOTE: This piece is meant to be satirical and is not based in fact.

Bob London is president of London, Ink, a Washington-DC-based marketing and communications consulting firm and writes business-related humor on the side.
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