7 Months:  “Hi! Do you and Cody want to come over for coffee around 10 am?  I’m serving mashed peas!”

48 months:  ”Hey, do you and Cody want to meet us at the park after pre-school pick up?”

96 months:  “Drake wants to know if Cody can play after school. Let me know!”

156 months:  ”Drake, have fun with Cody at the park and don’t forget to text me when you get there!”

180 months:  ”I’ll pick you and Cody up at the food court at 5 pm. And please don’t keep me waiting.”

192 months:  ”Who else is going to be there?  Will Cody’s parents be home?”

204 months:  ”Well, here’s an idea for next time: If you even have to ask yourself whether you’ve had too much to drink then just maybe you should let Cody drive.”

228 months:  ”And how is it that the campus police were able to catch you and not Cody?”

April 1, 2013
Categories: Uncategorized . . Author: boblondon . Comments: Leave a Comment

This is an installment in a who-the-hell-knows-how-many-but-hopefully-not-too-many-because-I-don’t-know-how-many-I-can-take part series covering a fascinating and sometimes disturbing dialogue between a 14 year old boy and his father during the 18 month run-up to said boy getting his driver’s license.

Quick background: During an otherwise innocent and uneventful family dialogue about something or other, “Boy,” as he will be called in this series, announced that he will not be driving our Prius once he gets his driver’s license because of what his friends would say.

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I like to think we are raising two grounded, confident children.  (I guess parent does.)

And, generally speaking, despite his vehement and disturbing protestations about the possibility of one day having to drive a sky-blue Prius, Boy shows few signs of being materialistic.  While he is concerned about his appearance (hair mainly), he is not a clotheshorse.  T-shirts and shorts are the primary uni 24×7.  He doesn’t constantly want new things.  He isn’t obsessed with the latest this or that.

He does, however, have one area of indulgence–one item where profligateness reigns: Sneakers.  Specifically, the latest and choicest.  The flashier the better.  (See most recent purchase at right.)  Foot Locker (and more specifically it’s enthusiast sub-brand House of Hoops) is his altar.  He would work there if he were old enough.  Sneakers are the one type of physical goods that seem to make Boy’s blood flow faster–to cause his already turbulent hormones to transmute even more violently.

But unless it is sneaker buying time, I don’t think of Boy as being acquisitive, which I associate with being concerned with what other people think.  So why the steadfast refusal to drive a Prius after he gets his license?  I have no idea.

I’ll look into it and get back to you.

December 11, 2012
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Why do boys have to burp as loud as they can, as though they are trying to shatter some sort of sound barrier or international record for decibels?

Let’s to back to when they were babies.  What did we do?  After a feeding (what were they, cows?) and following a few minutes of listening anxiously to their little digestive pistons learning to fire and their whimpers of discomfort, we held them over our shoulders which were protected by nothing more than a thin and yellowed burp cloth.  We patted their backs…gently at first.  Then more insistently.  We cooed at them while they stared at something and drooled and bleated.  We patted and patted.

And then they burped.

And we celebrated.  We celebrated in great disproportion to the level of our baby’s accomplishment.  What did he learn? He burps, we praise.  He burps, we praise.

Repeat this process 3 – 4 times per day and what do you have in 7 – 20 years?  A boy who grows up to burp triumphantly, obnoxiously, competitively, boisterously, cacophonously.

As for the question of why girls don’t end up this way even though they are praised for their baby burps just as much?  Go ask your mother.

December 9, 2012
Categories: Uncategorized . . Author: boblondon . Comments: 1 Comment

This is the first installment in a who-the-hell-knows-how-many-but-hopefully-not-too-many-because-I-don’t-know-how-many-I-can-take part series covering a fascinating and sometimes disturbing dialogue between a 14 year old boy and his father during the 18 month run-up to said boy getting his driver’s license.

Quick background: During an otherwise innocent and uneventful family dialogue about something or other, “Boy,” as he will be called in this series, announced that he will not be driving our Prius once he gets his driver’s license.

——————————————————-

Boy’s proclamation stunned me on several levels and rendered me speechless for several seconds while I pondered these reactions:

1. I could have sworn I read somewhere that the Prius was, if not totally cool, then at least popular among younger generations.  And further that generations younger than mine were growing up more concerned about the environment and willing to take environmental matters into account when making decisions.
2. I genuinely thought we had raised Boy to be unconcerned with what type of car he drives at age 16, when confidence and self-satisfaction should come from within, not from one’s hooptie.
3. He just turned 14. How can he have already taken such strong position on this issue?
4. Who the hell cares what he thinks about driving a Prius?  He should be happy just to be driving.

Basically, Boy’s declaration struck me as odd–one that I would have expected from a person who had a choice between driving a Prius and another vehicle–not one whose choice was between driving a Prius or nothing at all.  At age 16, I feel, one should happily drive whatever is left in the driveway after all the other drivers in the family claim their rides.

Rather than leave the issue alone until Boy reached age 16 when the conversation would be more pertinent, I decided to peel back the onion to find out more about why he felt so strongly about our innocent sky-blue Prius that had never hurt anyone.

Actually, I just gave you a clue about Boy’s negative feelings towards the Prius.  Apparently, on the scale of acceptability of Prius colors, no color is acceptable, and sky blue is the most unacceptable.  It is, according to Boy, “the gay-est.”  And knowing him as I do, he is not saying this with any malice towards gay people.  In fact, I am sure he would be fine driving around with an openly gay friend in any car, as long as it wasn’t a Prius.

I just had to find out more about the socio-psychological dynamics going on inside Boy’s head, which I imagined as a hellish and fiery melange of violently-caroming neurons and synapses, colliding with chafing hormones and mental snapshots of pretty girls, all slurred together and varnished with sweat.

As I told Boy, I am not here to judge him.  I’m genuinely interested in what is behind his feelings.  Hopefully our conversations–sprinkled with some spousal interactions as well as contributions from Young Boy (little brother) will shed some light on this for all of us.

Stay tuned…

November 23, 2012
Categories: Uncategorized . . Author: boblondon . Comments: 4 Comments

OCTOBER 22, 2012 — Ashburn, VA  Bobservations has learned that the Washington Redskins have established a “snap limit” for star rookie quarterback Robert Griffin III as a way of protecting the team’s long-term investment in their young pheenom.

According to sources close to Head Coach Mike Shanahan, the rapid rise in Griffin’s on-field and off-field brand have caused consternation about his vulnerability to serious injuries, such as the concussion he sustained in Week 5 against the Atlanta Falcons.

“RGIII is worth so much to the team in ticket sales, ratings and merchandise that they’re afraid of losing him,” said the source. “Their feeling is, ‘if he ain’t healthy, we ain’t earnin’.  So the Nationals’ decision to set an innings limit on Strasberg got Dan Snyder and Shanahan thinking about doing something similar to protect their investment over the long haul.”

Some marketing experts, however, question the wisdom of limiting the playing time of one of the league’s most exciting young players.  According to Bob London, president of London, Ink, a marketing and communications consulting firm, the Redskins’ decision could be perceived by fans as another in a long list of signs that the franchise values profits over on-field performance.  ”The Redskins putting a ‘snap limit’ on RGIII is idiotic,” said London.

The specific number of snaps Griffin will be permitted to take before being shut down this season is not clear. Shanahan and Snyder both refused to comment for this article.

October 22, 2012
Categories: Uncategorized . . Author: boblondon . Comments: 2 Comments

Originally Published in SmartCEO DC Magazine, September 2012

No one loves the subject of termination–least of all the person being terminated, who must then embark on a horribly distasteful process called “networking,” in which he or she must reach out to unsavory people known as “former associates,” who may or may not take their calls.

But termination is no picnic for the manager either. Between a distaste for confrontation, the difficulty of complying with HR rules and the effects of global warming (I blame everything on global warming, and no one has ever challenged me!), most bosses would rather fill out a 20-page expense report than tell someone their services are no longer required.

So here are five innovative and elegant ways to “encourage” unwanted staff to leave of their own volition, thus helping you avoid the nasty business of termination:

• Turn up the heat–literally–by adjusting the thermostat near the victim’s office to 87 degrees, then watch the discomfort mount until he or she can’t wait to find another job.
• “Forget” to invite her to 9 consecutive office happy hours, then come in the morning after each one laughing with other staff about The Guacamole Incident and other inside jokes.
• Tell the person he has been designated as the company’s representative for something called The Office Depot Retro Office Competition, which prohibits the use of any business tool invented prior to 1900. Imagine his frustration as he tries to staple, create a presentation and send an overnight package without using any of today’s expedient methods.
• Announce that under a new company policy, he will charged rent for the use of his office. If this doesn’t work, after three months, double the rent.
• Draft a ranting, typo-riddled “Jerry Maguire-style” manifesto under his signature and post it on the company intranet.

September 6, 2012
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Originally published in the July edition of SmartCEO DC magazine.

 

First, a word from this month’s Bobservations sponsor: Dr. Finkelstein’s Surgical Personal Branding Makeover Webinar!

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Bobservations’ Surefire End-of-Month Sales Closing Techniques

The end of a month, quarter or fiscal year can be a dreadful time for anyone in sales. The pressure of closing enough business to meet your quota, or in some cases, pay off your bookie, is enough to turn a lump of coal into a diamond. And while you’re standing over the fax machine or waiting for the FedEx guy to deliver that signed agreement, you’re also fending off incessant calls from a sales VP two levels above you asking if you’ve done everything you can to do get the order.

It is out of necessity, therefore, that the “closing technique” was created. The term itself, in case you’re interested, dates back to the Neanderthal Age when it was typical for a male caveman (Salesmanicus Pithicus) to seal the deal with his mate by pulling her by the hair back to his cave.

Today there are more than 200 “closing techniques” that have been certified by the Reno, NV-based International Salesological Institute. A recent scan of the Institute’s web site reveals that some of these techniques are, shall we say, a bit less elegant than others. For example:

Ultimatum Close – Carefully describe a specific and brutal threat against the prospect’s family, making sure to include actual dates on which the consequences will occur.

Myocardial Infarction Close – Down several nitrate pills to slow your heart rate to an undetectable level, then wave your arms frantically and gasp for air.

Puppy Close - Act cute to invoke heartbreak and sympathy in the hopes of eliciting a nurturing response.

Fire Sale Close – After dumping 3 gallons of kerosene on prospect’s desk, hold lit match next to it.

Calculator Close – Bring a heavy calculator and use it to pummel the prospect about the head and neck areas until he signs.

Filibuster Close – Read corporate earnings press releases and Senate hearing transcriptions out loud in the prospect’s office until he relents.

End of the World Close – Send the prospect a fake Internet news story about an impending tsunami or nuclear attack and say, “What they heck does it matter anyway? Just sign it!”

Plain Brown Envelope Close – Slide an envelope containing $10,000 under the prospect’s desk blotter and wink.

Demonstration Close - Hire 300 temps to protest against working conditions at your prospect’s Southeast Asian factories until he signs.

Self-Spamming Close – Send yourself an email under the prospect’s name indicating that the deal is approved.

Taser Close – Offer the prospect a free Taser brand stun gun if he signs by the last day of the month, and if he still doesn’t comply, turn the weapon on him.

August 15, 2012
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I met with a client’s IT director yesterday and had a very good experience.  He is tech-savvy, of course, but also understands the role of technology as a business driver–that it is the means to the end of customer acquisition and retention.

Not so much his predecessor.  The old IT guy left behind a tangled set of homegrown “solutions” to priorities he set in a vacuum and were in no way connected with what the organization–and, by extension, the customer needed.  He put up a wall of jargon to avoid transparency and accountability.  His approach was to hold the organization hostage to IT’s limitations and workarounds, perhaps as a means to the end of job preservation.  The organization was left feeling rather helpless.

This got me thinking of a creative sort of hiring strategy that could level the playing field a bit for critical technology related jobs.  When hiring an IT director, the company should collect a deposit from the new employee–say 30% of his salary–to be held in escrow.  Upon the IT director’s departure, an assessment will be performed to determine how much much effort will be required to fix, untangle or replace the technology solutions that have been put in place.  In a worst case scenario–like the former IT director above–the departing employee would receive little or none of his deposit back.

I doubt this hiring and compensation process will ever take off, but you have to admit it would give companies at least some leverage over an area that historically has lacked transparency and accountability.  Come to think of it, this approach could work for CEOs as well!

Bobservations is written by me, Bob London.  More of my writing can be seen at www.bob-servations.com.  I’m also president of London, Ink LLC, a full-service B2B marketing and communications consulting and serve as a Virtual VP of Marketing for growth-stage technology and professional services firms that need hands-on leadership in marketing strategy and planning. More information is available at www.londonink.com.

August 7, 2012
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I enjoy going to networking events from time to time.  I often meet interesting people and make useful or mutually beneficial business connections.  What I don’t enjoy so much is the forced salesmanship (or saleswomanship) exhibited by some of the attendees.

So my dream networking event would go something like this:

• At the door, guests are asked to step through a “Full Body Quota Scanner,” to detect any trace of tone-deaf salesmanship.  Anyone who sets off the alarm has his or her business cards confiscated.
• Next, attendees are asked to give a very brief “elevator pitch” about themselves or their company.  Anyone whose pitch features something like, “When is your commercial lease up?” or “Is your current IT outsourcing provider satisfying your needs,” will be ejected.
• Once inside, guests will see that at least 75% of the floor space and tables are clearly marked as “Quota-Free Zones.”  Automated listening devices and burly staffers will scan these areas for forced pitch-like chatter that sounds anything like, “What if I could knock 30% of of the contract–would you be willing to commit tonight?”  Those in violation are subject to a $100 fine on the spot.
• Business cards are only exchanged after a point of relevance or mutual interest is established and not before.  People who insistently offer their business cards before they have even finished saying their own name (or chewing their lamb on a stick) will be subject to a $100 fine on the spot.
• Anyone caught pitching at the end of the buffet line and thus causing a backup will be ejected and banned from subsequent events for 12 months–no appeals.

Bobservations is written by me, Bob London.  More of my writing can be seen at www.bob-servations.com.  I’m also president of London, Ink LLC, a full-service B2B marketing and communications consulting and serve as a Virtual VP of Marketing for growth-stage technology and professional services firms that need hands-on leadership in marketing strategy and planning. More information is available at www.londonink.com.

July 31, 2012
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